The Fearful Heart: Hans’ Transformation
For privacy reasons, client names have been changed.
“I’m busy dying,” the voice on the other side of the phone said. “Sir, I am not a doctor, sorry, but you have the wrong number,” I replied.
“No, no, no, the doctors can’t help me, and I got your number from a friend.”
Curious, I asked him to explain what he meant. He told me that his heart was failing and that he knew he was dying. The problem was that, although he had been to a whole list of medical doctors, they couldn’t find anything wrong. The desperation in his voice was quite palpable, so I invited him for an exploratory conversation.
In walks Hans, a 40-year-old engineer. Strong built, soft spoken and very eager to get to the bottom of his problem. Tearfully, Hans said he is not afraid of dying, but… I’ve learnt that there’s almost always a but.
Hans recently got married to a lovely woman who wants to start a family. Hans would love to have children but won’t because he knows he will not be around to raise them. As a civil engineer he must go to the sites often but can’t get himself to get in the car and drive there. His explanation to me was that he knows he will have a heart attack behind the steering wheel, cause an accident and someone else will also die.
My heart broke as I felt his despair. Hans’s world had shrunk and almost come to a standstill.
I explained how our decisions and beliefs affect our bodies and life-conditions, and suggested we explore when he made the decision that his heart was not healthy.
The surprise on his face had us both giggling. He said, “Did I decide that?” “Well, we are two people in this room. You and I, and I promise you it wasn’t me,” was my reply.
Hans was brave and curious enough to do the work, and what a magical moment it was when I saw the instant relief and slight self-deprecating smile.
Before sharing his story with me, he picked up his phone, made a phone call right there in my presence and put the phone away again. Hans looked me straight in the eye as he began telling his story.
Hans grew up in the German countryside as an only child. He was loved and happy as can be. He said their house was in a forest, where he loved to play with friends and had many adventures with his dog, Jurgen.
In the evenings, both his parents would take him to his room, tuck him in, read him a bedtime story and say evening prayers with him. They would stay with him until he was fast asleep. Bliss.
On his fifth birthday, his father said to him that he was now a big boy, so he was going to sleep on his own. They would still take him to bed, tuck him in, read and pray, but now they would switch off the lights, close the door and have him fall asleep by himself.
Hans told me he remembered the terror that gripped him on that very night of his fifth birthday.
He tried every trick in the book to get his parents back into the room with him. He would cry out that his tummy ached, his head was sore, his calves were cramping, I remember his saying he tried every part of his body, nothing worked. Until one day when he cried and said there was something wrong with his heart. It immediately got his parents’ attention, and his mom would lie with him until he fell asleep. Jackpot!
His unwell heart was his golden ticket to feeling safe and loved. It got him the attention and care he needed.
Because our subconscious minds cannot distinguish between fantasy and reality, he somehow began believing it was true. This belief and habit served its purpose perfectly when he was a child.
That phone call was to his mother who still lives in that same house. He needed verification of his memories. He asked her if she could remember what he used to say/do at bedtime.
She told him the story exactly as he remembered it.
Pete stood up and smiled as he left. His last words to me were, “So I can stop pretending that I’m going to die?”
About 5 months later I was at the movies when a complete strange woman ran up to me and hugged me. Having no idea who this lady was, I hugged her back! She said, “thank you for giving me my husband back.”
She turned around and lo and behold, pointed to Hans who was confidently walking towards us. I noticed his proud squared shoulders as he introduced his wife to me. Hans was relaxed. She had tears in her eyes as she touched her belly. Mary was almost 5 months pregnant.
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